Wow! It has been six months since I have written anything on here. So much for my goal of posting once a month. Where have I been? Simply, I have been trying to figure things out. Trying to process what has happened. Trying to decipher the truth through my perceptions. AnD lastly, on the other side of the United States. These past few months have been such a whirlwind of activities and enlightenment.
When I began this blog (journey) I had every intention of doing something lighthearted, something where others could answer my questions, something where I would not feel so alone and I could virtually hold another momma's hand and help her not feel so alone too. However, this blog (journey) has turned pretty dark and I know why... Because this journey has been, and is, dark.
The word DaRK can be defined in so many ways; no light, gloomy, obscure, murky, evil. This youth sports world is all of the above. Wait. I take that back. There is some light, for me it is watching my kiddos doing and being their amazing selves. Other than that it is a very dark place. The parents, coaches, and kids can be difficult to be around.
They bite... I have moved to the other side
Parents can be extremely competitive, jealous, and insincere. I cannot tell you how many people I thought were my friend who ended up being the opposite. Such as the mother who requested my number to call me about practices, and then never called because she "forgot." That was stupid on my part because my kid was her son's direct competition. Of course she wanted my kid to miss practices, and what better way to make that happen than to separate me from the information by making herself the barrier. Or the mom who behaved friendly toward me until I invited her to the halftime planning meeting. Then she went in for the kill, taking my position and pretending to not know me, and because she has tons more money the other mommas welcomed her into the fold and she did the same to them. Halftime, team dinners, and phone trees now go through her.
Why do they do these things? Perhaps it is as simple as they don't want to sit alone, or they want to recruit me to cheer for their kid. Maybe they want to show the coach that they are important to the team dynamic, and/or they want to be sure not to miss out on any information that would help their kid. And quite possibly they want to keep their friends close and their enemies closer; the enemies being anyone who could possibly take their kid's position. Usually friendship goes both ways, these people are so consumed with THEIR WANTS (Yes, their wants. It is usually not the kid's desires that drive these people.) that they are unable to be in an appropriate give/take relationship. Given the chance, most of these parents would happily sell you and your kid down the river if it meant a perceived advantage for their child. Is every parent a wolf in sheep's clothing? Probably not. I don't think I am, but you can't tell who is and who isn't. I cannot sit next to people and play nice when I know that it is more than likely a fake on their part. This is why I now sit on the opposing team's side.
Enlightenment #1: Just because a person says kind things doesn't mean that their heart is kind.
They don't care... I have moved to the other side
Most coaches don't care about your kid, not every, but most. Off the cuff I can think of one coach who truly liked the kids. He had nothing to gain from coaching; he wasn't a power monger, his kid wasn't on the team, his kid wasn't up-and-coming to join the team, he wasn't paid for the coaching. He just loved the sport and had joy in watching these young men learn and grow. Still to this day he and his wife are two of my most favorite people. Sadly, he seems to be the exception to the rule. Most of these guys are in it for THEMselves and only themselves. I used to think it could be a win win for the players and the coach, but now I see that the coach doesn't see it this way. In order for the coach to win everyone else must lose. These losses can be in the form of confidence, money, sanity, self respect, dignity, the list can go on and on. I no longer donate my time and/or money to any team program. I can no longer sit back and watch my child and other children be disrespected by these men. It is too hard for me to see these men be poor examples to growing minds. This is the second reason why I sit on the opposing team's side.
Enlightenment #2: Coaches are so consumed with themselves that they are unable to like, and or care about, you or your kid.
They aren't at fault... I have moved to the other side
Kiddos are products of the coaches and parents. How can we expect them to be team players when their parents and coaches aren't? They are only exhibiting what they see and hear. Many years ago one of my college professors would say daily, "Look, Listen, and Learn." That is what kiddos are all about. They are these amazing sponges that are taking in their environments and navigating through life with what they have soaked in. As much as I want to be, I can't be angry with these kids. I feel my blood pressure rise when they smile at my kid and then attempt to trip them, when they keep standing in front of my kid when doing drills, when they lie about upcoming events and practices, and/or snicker and say mean things when my kid makes a mistake. I can't be angry because they are products of their environment. I wish they felt there was enough room on the field and court for everyone. I wish they would practice lifting up their other teammates. I wish these kids could see the fun in working together instead of tearing apart. But instead, the static that their parents and coaches pour out is so loud they are unable to hear their own heart. Lest we forget, these are kids and are out there to have fun and play. None of these kiddos are getting paid doing this. None of these kids are signing autographs. Right now these youth sports are an extension of recess. I am not saying they shouldn't want to win or compete. Winning and competing is exciting but these kiddos should have fun and enjoy every minute of it and allow others to do the same. I am no longer able to watch these crushed spirits. This is the third reason why I now sit on the opposing team's side.
Enlightenment #3: Don't listen or watch the other kids.
These past few months have been full of emotional growth, clarity and the death of many of my previous relationships. I am no longer the welcoming naive parent who wants to help with fund raising, halftime shows and whatever else is needed. I no longer say "Hello" to people I don't know at games. Instead I sit away from everyone where I cannot hear them and try not to see anything but my kid. I am probably too sensitive and wonder if we would have entered this youth sports world earlier if my experiences today would be different; perhaps my skin would be thicker. I wonder if I will ever get back that open-minded funny-loving vulnerable part of me. I wonder if I will ever be able to sit on the same side as my kid's team again?
