Is an update necessary?

Wow! It has been six months since I have written anything on here. So much for my goal of posting once a month. Where have I been? Simply, I have been trying to figure things out. Trying to process what has happened. Trying to decipher the truth through my perceptions.  AnD lastly, on the other side of the United States. These past few months have been such a whirlwind of activities and enlightenment.

When I began this blog (journey) I had every intention of doing something lighthearted, something where others could answer my questions, something where I would not feel so alone and I could virtually hold another momma's hand and help her not feel so alone too. However, this blog (journey) has turned pretty dark and I know why... Because this journey has been, and is, dark.

The word DaRK can be defined in so many ways; no light, gloomy, obscure, murky, evil. This youth sports world is all of the above. Wait. I take that back. There is some light, for me it is watching my kiddos doing and being their amazing selves. Other than that it is a very dark place. The parents, coaches, and kids can be difficult to be around. 

 

They bite... I have moved to the other side

Parents can be extremely competitive, jealous, and insincere. I cannot tell you how many people I thought were my friend who ended up being the opposite. Such as the mother who requested my number to call me about practices, and then never called because she "forgot." That was stupid on my part because my kid was her son's direct competition. Of course she wanted my kid to miss practices, and what better way to make that happen than to separate me from the information by making herself the barrier. Or the mom who behaved friendly toward me until I invited her to the halftime planning meeting. Then she went in for the kill, taking my position and pretending to not know me, and because she has tons more money the other mommas welcomed her into the fold and she did the same to them. Halftime, team dinners, and phone trees now go through her.  

Why do they do these things? Perhaps it is as simple as they don't want to sit alone, or they want to recruit me to cheer for their kid. Maybe they want to show the coach that they are important to the team dynamic, and/or they want to be sure not to miss out on any information that would help their kid. And quite possibly they want to keep their friends close and their enemies closer; the enemies being anyone who could possibly take their kid's position. Usually friendship goes both ways, these people are so consumed with THEIR WANTS (Yes, their wants. It is usually not the kid's desires that drive these people.) that they are unable to be in an appropriate give/take relationship. Given the chance, most of these parents would happily sell you and your kid down the river if it meant a perceived advantage for their child. Is every parent a wolf in sheep's clothing? Probably not. I don't think I am, but you can't tell who is and who isn't. I cannot sit next to people and play nice when I know that it is more than likely a fake on their part. This is why I now sit on the opposing team's side. 

Enlightenment #1: Just because a person says kind things doesn't mean that their heart is kind.

They don't care... I have moved to the other side 

Most coaches don't care about your kid, not every, but most. Off the cuff I can think of one coach who truly liked the kids. He had nothing to gain from coaching; he wasn't a power monger, his kid wasn't on the team, his kid wasn't up-and-coming to join the team, he wasn't paid for the coaching. He just loved the sport and had joy in watching these young men learn and grow. Still to this day he and his wife are two of my most favorite people. Sadly, he seems to be the exception to the rule. Most of these guys are in it for THEMselves and only themselves. I used to think it could be a win win for the players and the coach, but now I see that the coach doesn't see it this way. In order for the coach to win everyone else must lose. These losses can be in the form of confidence, money, sanity, self respect, dignity, the list can go on and on. I no longer donate my time and/or money to any team program. I can no longer sit back and watch my child and other children be disrespected by these men. It is too hard for me to see these men be poor examples to growing minds. This is the second reason why I sit on the opposing team's side.

Enlightenment #2:  Coaches are so consumed with themselves that they are unable to like, and or care about, you or your kid.

They aren't at fault... I have moved to the other side

Kiddos are products of the coaches and parents. How can we expect them to be team players when their parents and coaches aren't? They are only exhibiting what they see and hear. Many years ago one of my college professors would say daily, "Look, Listen, and Learn." That is what kiddos are all about. They are these amazing sponges that are taking in their environments and navigating through life with what they have soaked in. As much as I want to be, I can't be angry with these kids. I feel my blood pressure rise when they smile at my kid and then attempt to trip them, when they keep standing in front of my kid when doing drills, when they lie about upcoming events and practices, and/or snicker and say mean things when my kid makes a mistake. I can't be angry because they are products of their environment. I wish they felt there was enough room on the field and court for everyone. I wish they would practice lifting up their other teammates. I wish these kids could see the fun in working together instead of tearing apart. But instead, the static that their parents and coaches pour out is so loud they are unable to hear their own heart. Lest we forget, these are kids and are out there to have fun and play. None of these kiddos are getting paid doing this. None of these kids are signing autographs. Right now these youth sports are an extension of recess. I am not saying they shouldn't want to win or compete. Winning and competing is exciting but these kiddos should have fun and enjoy every minute of it and allow others to do the same. I am no longer able to watch these crushed spirits. This is the third reason why I now sit on the opposing team's side.

Enlightenment #3:  Don't listen or watch the other kids. 

 

These past few months have been full of emotional growth, clarity and the death of many of my previous relationships. I am no longer the welcoming naive parent who wants to help with fund raising, halftime shows and whatever else is needed. I no longer say "Hello" to people I don't know at games. Instead I sit away from everyone where I cannot hear them and try not to see anything but my kid. I am probably too sensitive and wonder if we would have entered this youth sports world earlier if my experiences today would be different; perhaps my skin would be thicker. I wonder if I will ever get back that open-minded funny-loving vulnerable part of me. I wonder if I will ever be able to sit on the same side as my kid's team again?  

    

How do you respond?

A week ago I had an experience with a coach and a "friend" that changed my soul.  I have come on here a few times to write about it, but the feelings were/are too raw, too hurtful, too confusing, too...  Let me try to explain.

Basketball for my boys feels like it has been an uphill battle.  It is daunting to figure out what trail to really take.  It seems like most trails are filled with leeches (personal coaches) who want to charge you a killing to train your kid.  I seriously mean, Charge. You. A. Killing.  Some are as high as $100/hour.  A $100/hour to workout a kid who does not bring any money to the table through the sport that they are training them to play. Is this absurd?  I feel like it is.  Some of these people have never even played basketball on the professional level, or studied it in college.  Anyway... I had a friend who kindly invited my boys to attend a workout with her son with one of these personal coaches.  To be honest, the coach was good.  He saw the game of basketball from a different perspective, one that opened my boys eyes to a different way of playing the game.  The personal basketball coach had great basketball handling drills and could really isolate what each boy was doing and tweak it to make him more successful.  Was it worth $100/hour?  Not in my book, but I was willing to pay $30/per boy per hour.  The first week with this coach went well.  The second week left much to be desired. I am not sure how much to discuss, how much I want to relive.

Basically, my boys were 10 minutes late to the workout.  I could elaborate about how I had to pick up my"friend's" son and he wasn't quite ready when we got there, or how I waited for another boy who she claimed was coming but he was nowhere to be found, or how she did not send any money with her son and I had to pay for his admittance which took twice as long to enter the gym.  But, needless to say, we were late and that is the fact.  When my son walked in he apologized to the personal coach for being tardy, the coach told him to hurry and change his shoes because he had to leave at 3:30 sharp.  My sons quickly changed their shoes.  When I soon entered the gym the coach came up to my face and very sternly started barking at me about how he had to leave right at 3:30 and we were 10 minutes late.  I was stunned and felt awkward because the coach is shorter than me and that makes things uncomfortable.  Hey ladies, ever have a shorter man try and get in your face but you have to look down to let it happen?  Ya, awkward.  Because I felt uncomfortable I turned around while telling him that I understood that he had to leave and I apologized for being late.  I guess he took that I rolled my eyes and proceeded to brow-beat me with mean words and tone.  Never have I been in a situation where a man just came at me like I was a child, yelling, snapping, and carrying on.  I was humiliated and stunned.  I wanted to leave but my son reminded me (quietly) that I had my "friends" kid too and it wouldn't be fair to him to leave early; so my boys and I stayed.  At the end of the hour the coach attempted to apologize for his treatment of me, but said some more unkind things about me being a problem parent, being lazy, and my kids never being successful.  I smiled, as best I could, paid him and got out of there.  For the rest of the weekend I cried and have still been reeling by what took place.  The helplessness a woman feels when a man comes at her and she is somewhat alone.  The humiliation when one adult berates another adult in public.  The disrespect that is felt when a white man figuratively spits on a brown woman.  That is what I have been processing.  We all left the workout, with the personal coach planning on working with the boys again, and me spiritually wounded.  I know it sounds dramatic, but those are my feelings.

The thing that probably hurts the most from all of this is my "friend" never called me after the event.  I tried to call her but she was too busy to talk.  She did however call the personal coach first thing the next morning, but it was days before I heard from her.  When she did call me it was to tell me his side of the story and to tell me, "I have worked so hard to get in his good graces and you almost ruined it for my son with your behavior toward the coach."  My behavior?  I picked up her child, paid for her child, waited for her child, took her child back home safely.  I apologized to the coach for our tardiness.  I took his abusive behavior and words.  I paid him what he was owed.  I swallowed his treatment toward me.  My behavior?  What about his behavior?

I can no longer see her face without my stomach flopping.  I cannot speak her name without a frog in my throat.  She sided with a man who she has not known for long, who charges her $100/hour; and above all, she blamed me for his treatment toward me.  I have gone over that event more times that I can express.  I have talked about it with loved ones.  I have heard my kids recollection of what took place.  And in the end I realize his treatment of me was unwarranted.  Even if I had rolled my eyes, he should have never berated me like he did.  I am a mother, a woman, and at the time I was alone.  How could she side with him?  How should I now respond to her?  The crazy thing is I am now okay going around that personal coach.  He doesn't know me.  But presently I don't think I could go around her.  How do you respond? 

   

Too much noise for ya?

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When do you know it's over?

These past few weeks, maybe even months, have been very frustrating for me. I am not sure how my son feels, but my momma belly has been tied in knots.
I love my kiddos and I want whatever dreams they may have to be fulfilled. I want to be a support and guide, but I am not sure I am going about things the right way.
I am tired of researching, begging, strategizing, sacrificing, and running, all in the name of one sport. On the other hand I don't want to throw in the towel just yet. What if his break is just around the corner and we stopped moving right before we got there?
All he needs is a team, a coach, and a few games. Is that too much to ask?
Maybe the fates are telling us to throw in the towel?

From the time he started playing basketball my son has been on one crappy team after another. Most were losing teams. There were teams with coaches who learned about basketball by reading a few books. Others had coaches who were obsessed with making their son (who was also on the team) the focal point therefore limiting my son. Some were filled with jerk players and coaches which hurt my son's spirit and made me angry. For the most part I feel the teams (coaches) were using my son; they used him for money, to make their kid look good, to have someone for their other kids to play against, and/or fill a vacancy until something better came along. For the last 3 years it has been a quagmire of crap with glimpses of greatness. And because of this I have found myself becoming more sceptical and suspicious of most people. Once upon a time I believed in dreams coming true, teamwork, and loyalty.

A year ago I thought we had finally found a team that he would/could grow with for the long run, but now I think that is not the case. Just like hair extensions it was probably too good to be true.
The team and coaches were of diverse backgrounds. Not one coach had a son on the team. The head coach had a lot of basketball experience and game knowledge. He had this ability to teach the game, push the kids to their limit, and make it fun. In the beginning it was so exciting to see what my son was experiencing that I began looking for sponsorships for the team. Then I started to notice a shift taking place.
No longer was the coach interacting with my son and a few of the other boys in his age range. The game and tournament play ceased. The coach didn't update me on what he was seeing with my son, as a matter of fact he seemed annoyed when I (and possibly my son) came around. Coach started having my son play against much younger/smaller kids which would improve their skills but leave my son's development stagnant. Which brings me to today... No real team and no games.

When do you know it's over?

How Can We Make it Through this Alive?

Top 10 Things to Ensure You Survive a Las Vegas Tourney

...not in any particular order...

1...  Purchase a portable navigation unit, or download Google Maps to your phone.

Sometimes the games are not in one central location and you never want to be late to a team meeting or practice.

2...  Stay at or near the team.

This way if there are any changes you will hear about it. Also, if the team does any activities your kiddo will have an opportunity to bond with their teammates. One more thing, before the tourney is officially over there is usually a single-elimination championship; if you are closer to the team you will be able to find out where to be and when.

3...  Stay at a place that has a complimentary breakfast.

This will save you money (pretty obvious) and time. Some of the games are held in the morning. If you have a particular kiddo that likes to eat at least two hours before a game, having breakfast at the hotel will ease having to run around a strange area looking for breakfast at 6:30am.

4...  Keep in mind, and remind your kiddo, that the kids he/she is playing against are their same age and they are not Super Humans.

Don't freak out! These are kids, just like your kid. I can't tell you how many times before we went did I hear how my kid was going to play against kids like LJames and MJordan. The truth is if your kiddo wasn't remotely good enough the coach would not be taking them, Coaches don't like to lose.

Your child will not be facing Super Humans out on the hardwood. They are kids who are around the same age as your kiddo, and they come in many different sizes and strengths. And don't spend your time focusing on the star of the other team who has a full beard and crows feet, he is 15. Just ask his coach.

5...  Check, check and check AGaIn to make sure you have packed the sneakers and uniform.

All other items can be replaced at the local Target or made do without. 

6...  Before leaving the hotel room check, check and check again that you have the sneakers/cleats. 

Some of these games can be a distance from where you are staying and you might not be able to get back to the hotel and return to the game in time.

7... Don't stay on the strip. 

Unless you love trudging through a huge lobby, and hiking to parking, stay off of the strip. Keep in mind that the daytime is different than the nighttime on the strip. As a matter of fact, if you choose to go on the strip invest in horse blinders to put on your kiddos heads and tell them not to read anything on the ground.

8...  Plan on the expense of watching the tournament. Some of the tournaments can run around $12 a day per person who is not playing, and that can go for anyone 5 years and older.

I have mentioned this in a previous post, but every time we are down there I see someone who is surprised at the charge; and it can add up when you bring the entire family.

9... Mentally prepare yourself that the trip will be full of games, sleeping, prepping for games, sleeping, resting, eating, and games.

There are usually games throughout the entire day. This means you could have a game in the morning, have to go to a central location to pickup your t-shirt and watch a NCAA film, and then have a game that night. This doesn't leave much time to run to Tahoe or the Fashion Show Mall.

10...  Enjoy every minute of it because this is such a short time and not everyone gets the chance to be part of a travel team.

I cannot tell you how electric these games are, it is something that has to be experienced. Your athlete gets an opportunity to play against other athletes from an entirely different region. There are college coaches and scouts, some from your kids favorite schools, sprinkled around the game sites watching for who they think will be the next big deal... Quite possibly it could be your kid. 

Are you broke too?

This morning a work colleague stopped and asked my husband if we were broke from all the expenses associated with our childrens sports. My husbands response, "Yes, we are. Be prepared because for you it has only just begun." His sons are in the 4th and 6th grade, ours are in the 9th and 10th. The fees to purchasing the equipment (sneakers, heat gear, cold gear, and so on) can make a parents pockets very light.
Today I am sitting trying to figure out how to cover this years summer basketball and football camps, which are presented as being optional but are truly mandatory. Are you broke too? 

What happened to all the SuPeRStArS?

Long before my boys got into sports I came across many parents of exceptional tots. I would go to a preschool activity and a mom would be talking about her sons Super League Tee-ball team. In elementary school my boys would come home from school talking about their friends who were all-star soccer players. At the grocery store I would hear parents on their cells discussing the latest shenanigans of their kid's Extra Special Sports Team. There were so many phenomenal athletes around here the football little league program had to expand their 'A team' to three 'A teams.' I have no idea how many Super Teams existed in my town, but almost every parent I encountered had a super duper child athlete. How was it that all these superstar kids lived in my city? Where did they all come from? What was going on that all these future Bo Jacksons and Michael Jordans lived here? For awhile I was surrounded by superstars, all-stars, and everything else kiddo spectacular your mind can imagine. I mean these kids were on the fast track to the pros.
Then my son entered high school and many of the superstars disappeared. What happened? Where did they go? To be honest, I didn't notice their sudden departure right away; probably because my son is still actively playing, and I continued to see many of the parents and the kids around town. It wasn't until I ran into one of the superstar's mothers, Gretchen, at the grocery and had a chance to talk to her that I realized many of the All Stars were no longer playing. Our conversation in front of the deli counter was eye-opening.
To give you some background... Gretchen's son, Matt, and my son played on the same ninth grade basketball team. Matt was amazing. Not only did it appear that he out hustled most of his teammates, scored more baskets, and out defended the fellas, he was also on a Super League team. Every game was sprinkled of talk about him playing on the high school team; which was very difficult to get on because of the high number of students at the school. There was no doubt we were watching a future college basketball star. However, after ninth grade Matt was never seen on the basketball court again. What happened?
I'll tell you what happened, Matt didn't make the high school basketball team; the coaches claimed he fouled too much. He threw out his sneakers and never went out for the team again, instead Matt decided to become a Super Academic and focus on business. No joke, that is what Gretchen told me, except for the Super Academic part. She shared with me that Matt was a fantastic student and had tested into one of the best tech programs in the district. Matt's first 'No' may have ended his athletic career, but not his future of being an All Star and being in the Super Program. When Gretchen and her husband could no longer pay and politic Matt's way onto the team he and his parents gave up and turned their focus to something else.
Maybe that is why my son continues on in sports, he had to play better than the money and the politics and learn how to swim with the big sharks without getting bit. Now that I look at it, in my city not only am I surrounded by Super Duper Teams, I am drowning in EscaladeXLs, big fake boobs, giant wedding rings and flashy designer handbags. Many of my neighbors are facades of themselves, and those facades are covered in super SuPeR SUPER. I guess what happened is the superstars never left they just took their superstar selves to different pastures.